The Thinker...HNT #1

I've thought about it and thought about it.

Then thought about it some more.

The answer has changed a time or two since the thought has crossed my mind. There have been valid reasons for the "no" answer...and valid reasons for the "yes" answer. So I've come up with this:

I enjoyed doing HNT on my other blog. I don't think I will do it every week on this blog, but when I feel like it, then I damn well will. So with that, may I present my first HNT at my new address...better late than not at all!

Waiting to Fly

I've always had a hard time allowing myself to feel anger for long periods of time. I'm talking an hour, tops. I've always felt guilt for being angry. Just recently I discovered that this is has a lot to do with my childhood and the things I observed.

I've seen extreme examples of anger: My father showed anger in a violent way when I was very young, later to discover different ways of expressing himself. Such as putting down the rum and coke and keeping all opinions to himself except when directly asked. My mother showed her anger by behaving like a child, which did not allow me to behave like the child I really was, because someone had to be the adult in the situation. She has since not been able to express herself in better ways and still continues to act the same way as she always has.

But, lately I have been angry. I don't really like it, but as I have discovered, it is part of normal human emotion. And I am doing something about it. I'm angry at work, so I'm moving on. I'm angry at my mom for being a child at 52, so I'm working on letting that go. I'm angry with the fact that the law is the law, regardless of whether you agree it's fair for your situation.

So at the moment I feel like a caterpillar just waiting for Spring to come around so that I can create my chrysalis and grow into the beautiful butterfly that I know I am. The waiting sucks, and I am very frustrated...but I know it'll be worth the wait when I spread my wings and fly.

Hole For One, Please

I've had an awful day. I would crawl into a hole if I could find one big enough. Are the stars not in alignment or something?

Yesterday one of my co-workers asked me if I'd be able to do hair extensions for her daughter's prom. I had explained to her many times that I was going to school for makeup artistry and that my career goal was to work in the movies doing special effects and character makeup. Hair extensions is not in my job description. So I calmly explained to her once again what I was going to school for. "You know Johnny Depp, right? And you saw how he looked as Willy Wonka, right? Ok, I want to do that kind of thing. Transform people into something else. The school I'm attending is for makeup artists. It's not a beauty school." Still looking confused, today I thoughtfully brought her a brochure about the school. She opened it up and said, "Oh, this looks like fun. Oh, this girl is pretty, but this one isn't. Yuck! Oh, wouldn't it be fun to open your own salon!? Is that what you want to do, Bellina?" I took the brochure away and said through my teeth, "No, I want to work with actors in the movies and theater." and I walked away.

I ran into some other co-workers and showed them the brochure. They seemed rather disinterested and went about their morning routines, which was fine with me because I know how busy it can be before 8:00 at my job...until I overheard laughter from across the room.

"Hey, Bellina! My kid is having a birthday party this weekend. Can you make me into a clown for the party!?"

Laughter exploded from two other co-workers mouths...

"Yeah, Bellina...do you have to sleep on the 'casting couch' to get a job in the business?!"

More laughter...

This was my breaking point...sine I was 14 years old I have had only one person in my life who supported this dream. Everyone else has joked and laughed at me. I stood up, told them to fuck themselves and that I was tired of being laughed at, and stormed out of the room.

And you know what, I am tired. I'm tired of everyone's bullshit and I'm tired of being treated with disrespect. People don't seem to understand what I'm going through right now. And I don't think they really want to understand, because no one listens to a damn word I say.

Now, if you'll excuse me...I have a hole to crawl into.

The Gym

Recently I had to join a gym because the outdoor fitness group I belonged to for two years was cancelled by the owner. Bastard! I haven't been to a gym in 6 or so years. Before joining the outdoor fitness group, I worked out at home and ran in the neighborhood.

Well, the gym is a totally different story. My god. First of all, you are faced with mirrors on each and every inch of wall space. Ummm, pardon me, whose idea was this? Fine, fine, put them in front of the free weights so people can check their form, but I don't need to see myself falling all over the step as I attempt to join in on the dance moves they call exercise.

And can someone explain the over abundance of makeup? Why must women apply more makeup before going to the gym? And the little outfits? Fashion show, I think not. I just don't understand...we are all women, you know. The gym is only for women...did you get that memo? Oh, right...women dress for women and not for men...right, got cha. Now I've had to run out and buy a few new workout outfits so that I'm cute too. We can't have women cuter than me, now can we? (I'm used to working out outside, remember? My clothes had grass stains and dirt on them...geesh!)

Now, I do appreciate the types of classes I'm able to attend...yoga, pilates, bootcamp...a nice variety going on there. I've wanted to start yoga and pilates for some time now. I need to stretch the ol' back out and stretching everything else is a good idea too. It's been great...I bought a cute new outfit for this too. (But I am NOT applying more makeup before I go!)

I so miss being outdoors though. I'm going to try to take a short run tomorrow...after work and before school. I've only gone out for two runs since January 7th! That's not like me. There's a 5k this weekend...Sunday, NOT Saturday...I wrote it down this time! hehehehehehe... So I'm gonna do my best to kick some ass out there. I can and will...cute outfit or not.

Annoyed

OK! That's it! I can't take it anymore. Screw it. If people don't like what I have to say then fine! If I'm "caught", then fine. I have to say what's on my mind today!

I am tired...that's right T.I.R.E.D of people and their fucking signs. Stop putting signs up all over the damn building. Don't a bunch of adults work here? Is it truly necessary to put up the following signs?

• Please throw your trash in the can in order to keep the restroom clean.
• Please clean the microwave after each use.
• Please open door slowly.
• Please walk around, testing inside.
• Please understand that your request will be granted in two days time as there is only one person working in this department.
• Please do not request more than 20 copies of one paper.
• Please do not use this machine for more than 5 copies at a time.
• Please do not touch toner drawer on copy machine. Call for help.
• Please wipe table after use.

Are ya kidding me? Enough is enough! Stop with the fucking signs!

And another thing...mind your fucking business! A lady whom I've met once or twice approached me this morning and asked me if I was moving. I replied, "No." with a confused look. Then she said "Are you leaving the profession?" I looked at her and said, "Where did you hear that?" She told me that she heard it at a child's birthday party. I said, "Are you serious? You people have nothing better to talk about, do you?" And I walked the fuck away.

Furthermore, this afternoon I was walking through the parking lot at work, ready to leave for the day. One of my co-workers had a dead battery. I offered my jumper cables as she freaked out on the verge of tears. I told her we would be fine and that I knew what to do. As we looked around under the hood of her brand new shiny Volvo, she cursed and shook. I repeated that we would be able to do it and that I am a mechanics daughter and had experience under the hood of a car. She turned to me and said, “I’m sorry about that."

Stunned, I looked at her and said, "What does that mean?"

"I'm sorry you're a mechanics daughter"

"Oh, well. I'm sorry that you're rude. And I have to go.", as I got into my car, jumper cables in hand.

Writer's Block

So what does one write about when one is afraid of being caught again? I could write about my love for crispy, delicious, hot French fries and my confusion as to why they taste so nasty when you reheat them.

I could write about joining a gym after working out outdoors for the past two years and my disapproval of the mirrors hanging all over the walls.

I could write about my co-worker who thinks, despite all the troubles in the world, that her life is so hard...yes, drinking, partying and "hanging out" when you have a full time, wake up and be at work by 7:30 a.m job is hard!

I could write about my curiosities about living alone and how people do it without being terribly afraid each and every night that someone will brake in.

But none of these things really inspire me so much to write a whole post about. I've lost my excitement. Ewww...even typing this reality is a horrible feeling. Maybe I'll feel better come Thursday. Maybe I'll be inspired to post an HNT photo. Maybe I won't.

Maybe it sucks to now have to censor myself in a land where I felt so free. What does one talk about when they can't be real?

Maybe I should go ask my mom...

Regrets and New Beginnings

I've been in training for some time now. Not in training for an athletic event, not anything even outwardly physical. I've been in training for a better well being.

After two years of training, I ran into a hurdle that I thought was too big to jump over. So, forgetting all the hard work I had done, I stopped dead in front of the hurdle and refused to attempt it. Not only that, but I actually began to run backwards to the safe and comfortable place of self doubt and ashamed feelings.

After three days of thinking and realizing what has happened, I have made a decision. I will not allow other people to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. I will not allow other people to dictate what I will or won't do. I will not allow people to take away my freedoms.

Deleting my blog was a mistake. One that I made as I began to run backwards towards what I thought was "safety". And, damn it, I regret it.

Yes, blogging at work is an inappropriate thing to do.

No, I will never do it again.

Yes, I will continue to speak my mind and to into print my thoughts, my ideas, my accomplishments, and my art.

No, you can't tell me what to do.

So, with that, I start this new blog. I have named it after my favorite flower, a flower with a whole lot of balls and stamina. I won't have to worry about someone saying I've done something wrong as it is not associated with my face or my work place...

for now...